KB96 - The Self Care Paradox

MINDSET
The Self-Care Paradox

Self-care is meant to help us live well, manage stress, and improve our physical and mental health.

But what happens when the pursuit of self-care becomes a source of stress itself?

This is what I call the “Self-Care Paradox”

The paradox is simple…

“When self-care routines become rigid and anxiety-inducing, they end up doing more harm than good”

In other words, the more people worry about practices and routines meant to enhance their health, the more that worry can harm their well-being.

This phenomenon tends to unfold in four stages…

Stage One - Too Much Focus on Health

At first, people start with the best intentions, setting up strict routines for diet, exercise, sleep, and more.

But when the focus on "doing everything right" becomes obsessive, even small slip-ups feel like failures.

Stage Two - Stress and Worry Build Up

Trying to stay "perfect" can create constant stress and anxiety.

Ironically, this stress harms health, affecting sleep, mood, and even the immune system.

Stage Three - The Vicious Cycle

Stress from obsessing over self-care can lead to real health issues!

Headaches, digestive problems, or sleep disruptions that, in turn, make people worry even more about their routines.

Stage Three - Self-Care Becomes a Chore

Instead of feeling nurturing or enjoyable, self-care starts to feel like a burden, sucking the joy out of it.

The very practices meant to reduce stress become yet another source of stress.

And that's where the paradox comes in. The same routines that were supposed to improve your health and energy can actually drain you.

So, how can you avoid falling into this trap and make self-care feel truly supportive rather than stressful?

By following my four simple steps for success…

Step One - Self-Care Assessment

To start, try this simple assessment. Rate yourself from 1 to 5 on the following five aspects of self-care (1 = not at all, 5 = very consistently):

• Nutrition: Are you eating balanced meals and making food choices that support your health goals?

• Exercise: How often are you engaging in physical activity that suits your fitness needs?

• Sleep: Do you prioritise adequate and quality sleep each night?

• Stress Management: How actively do you engage in practices to manage or reduce stress?

• Social Life: Are you connecting with friends, family, and social networks that support your well-being?

Step Two - Set “Non-Negotiables” for Each Habit

Once you've rated each area, set "Non-Negotiables"—small, achievable actions you’ll commit to for any area you rated low. These should be simple, realistic, and sustainable. Here are some of my examples:

• Nutrition: No alcohol on weeknights; track my calories; prepare lunches in advance.

• Exercise: Attend three Jiu Jitsu sessions and two gym sessions each week.

• Sleep: Get into bed by 9 p.m. to aim for 7 hours of rest.

• Stress Management: Limit social media after 8 p.m.; practice mindfulness for 5 minutes daily; complete a daily journal entry.

• Social Life: Have breakfast with a friend on Thursdays; join a Sunday sea swim with my community group.

Step Three - Focus on One “Keystone Habit”

Next, choose the area where you consistently score the lowest and focus on improving that first. These five aspects of self-care are often called "Keystone Habits."

A keystone habit has a positive ripple effect on other areas of life. For example, prioritising sleep might boost your mood, increase your energy for exercise, and help reduce stress.

You’ll likely see improvements in multiple areas by focusing on a single habit.

Step Four - Embrace “Progress” Instead of Perfection

Remember, self-care isn't about being perfect. Life will inevitably throw things at you each week that disrupt your sleep, nutrition, stress levels, and social life.

The goal is not to avoid these disruptions but to build resilience around them.

Spend a few minutes each week reflecting on your self-care scores and resetting your non-negotiables. This way, you can stay flexible while still feeling in control.

Finding The Balance in Self-Care

When done well, self-care can be incredibly rewarding.

Managing stress, eating well, moving your body, and spending time with loved ones can energise and ground you.

But it’s easy to get so focused on the pursuit of health that you miss out on the occasional joy of stepping outside your routine.

Sometimes, real self-care means breaking the "rules". For example…

• Skipping that “healthy meal” to try a new burger joint with old friends and reminisce over a beer.

• Choosing a family movie night over the gym because the kids want to see the latest release.

• Staying up late to drive home from a concert by a band you’ve loved since you were a teenager.

• Saying no to a night out because all you want is a quiet evening catching up on your favourite Netflix show.

In the end, self-care should feel good, not like a strict set of rules.

It’s okay to bend the routine in the name of joy, connection and fun.

Sometimes, the best way to take care of yourself is to let go of perfection and embrace the messiness of life!